Conservation of Energy

Last time I whined a bit about feeling tired from my chemotherapy.  I am really lucky that it has been my worst side effect so far, but it still sucks.  Today I want to put that tiredness in a bit of context with my life over the last few years.

Since 2018 I’ve basically been working two jobs, one that pays and one that doesn’t.  

2018: Work + School

In 2018 I started attending Lambda School.  I was still working at the library, while attending class every evening, plus most of my free time studying.  I knew going in that it was an intensive curriculum and I prioritized my education over having a personal life.  

On my first day of class, I found out that my mom was in the hospital.  Mom was in and out of the hospital and physical rehab for 2+ months and I was the only family living near enough to check in with her.  Over the summer, my brother-in-law moved in.  While he tried to be as unobtrusive as possible, it was still a challenge.  Also in 2018, my brother got married out of state, I lost a friend to cancer, and I got the flu two times.  

I thought I knew what it was to feel tired and then 2018 happened.  Much like now, I just did what I had to do.  I just kept going.  I never thought I could handle all of the things that happened in 2018 but I did and it made me stronger.

2019: Work + Job Search

I finished Lambda School in February 2019 and immediately started job searching.  Lambda School had an extensive amount of job search resources available that I took great advantage of.  They helped me create a strong portfolio, resume, cover letters and LinkedIn profile.  I met with a staff advisor every other week, worked with a career coach and had a local industry mentor.  I thought I would find a very high paying job within 3 months, maybe 6 months since I lived near Seattle where the competition is stiff.

It didn’t happen that way.  I ended up applying to 100+ jobs for over a year, still while working at the library.  I would work all day and then come home and network and apply for hours nearly every night.  I was doing things way out of my comfort zone for the sake of finding my first programming job.  I went to meetups and reached out to strangers on LinkedIn for informational interviews.  I was physically and mentally exhausted.  I just needed someone to give me a chance.  

2020: New Career and Cancer

After a series of interviews, I started a new career in March 2020.  I was ecstatic and terrified.  I would be working with a programming language and CMS that I had never used.  I had disclosed all of this to my employer and had impressed them with my application project.  It was going to be like being in school all over again, but this time I was being paid!  

My employer values a balance between work and personal-life.  Vacation time is mandatory – really.  I thought I would finally get to slow down and start getting back to a normal-ish schedule. I was looking forward to taking a vacation without any studying or networking.  

Tired

I am very familiar with being tired.  I thought I would be getting a break once I started my new job.  

The tiredness I feel now is different from that of previous years.  I can’t quantify it as easily as I had in previous years.  I was tired in 2018 from being in school and dealing with family issues.  I was tired in 2019 because I applied for 143 jobs and went to numerous networking events.  Now I’m tired because there is a battle going on in my body.  

Conservation of Energy

As I have learned over the last few years, I have a finite amount of energy.  I can force myself past that limit, but my body will rebel and force me to slow down.  That is how I got the flu two times in 2018.  I’ve been learning about how I chose to spend my energy in a way that’s worthwhile for my physical and mental health.

Things To Do

Work

I love being a developer and I worked really hard to get my first developer job.  I like what I do and the people I work with are awesome.  Working helps keep my brain active, helps me be social from home, and makes me feel useful. 

Naps

Naps  used to feel like a luxury, but now that I have to take them they feel like a chore.  There are other things I would rather spend my time doing, but I have to listen to my body.  I’m trying to revamp my thinking about napping – it’s not time wasted, it is allowing myself time to rest and get stronger in my fight against cancer.  

Self Care

There is so much that I want to get done, it’s tough to dedicate my waning energy to myself.  I exercise a few times a week – it’s a chore but it makes me stronger. 

I meditate every day.  Whether it’s a 1-minute quick session or a more in-depth session, I have meditated every day for the last 446 days.  I use a few apps that help keep me on track. Daylio is a really simple mood and activity tracker.  It helps me keep track of trends and serves as a micro-journal.  MyLife is the meditation app I use.  It has many different types of practices, but lately I have been doing ones based on gratitude and kindness

Things That I Do Not Do (Much)

News

I’m already exhausted.  Following the minutiae of news isn’t going to make me feel any better.  I try to keep up on big topics, but I can not spend my energy keeping up on all of the things.  2020 is a really important year of history and I hate not being a more active participant, but the negativity, hate, fake news, and bickering are not worth my energy.

Researching Cancer

I mentioned this a while ago, but for once in my life I am not over-preparing. There is so much information out there about cancer and I am not capable of parsing it all out.  I could drive myself insane worrying about all of the what-ifs.  I would rather trust my team and look into things as they arise.  Everybody’s experience is so different when it comes to cancer, that even if someone went through my exact experience their journey could be very different.  I have enough things to worry about without making up new ones.

Suffer in Silence

I have good days and bad days. It’s part of being human but something I’ve experienced with more extremes since my diagnosis. Even though I have to stay pretty isolated, I know that I am not alone. Sometimes I feel like I have to put on a happy face since my treatment is going so well, but it sucks having cancer. Rather than keeping my negative feelings bottled up, it’s healthier for me to let them out or have a good cry. It’s easier said than done, but it’s something that I’m working on.

Update

Not much new to report on my treatment. I’m just trudging through it. We got donuts at the Top Pot near the hospital this week, so that was a treat. Their raspberry filled donuts are amazing and make me think of childhood. My hair is both growing and thinning out so J cut it shorter for me. I don’t like it, but it is temporary. And continued thanks for all of the positivity and happy thoughts. Here’s something silly that made me laugh way too hard yesterday…